We’ve all been there. What turned into a “quick round of bubbly” turned into tequila shots, karaoke, and an Uber journey home you don’t remember. You wake up, unable to open your eyes through your pounding headache, and the fact your mascara has glued your eyelashes together. Your alarm is deafening you, you forgot to put out a glass of water, and you’re this close to pulling a sickie until you remember that your colleagues follow you on Instagram and that your last Story was a boomerang of you kissing a barman on the cheek at 01:14.
Here’s our step by step guide of getting through the day:
Shower. You’re probably not aware of it, but your hair stinks of smoke, sambuca, and bad decisions. Wipe off last night’s makeup, and, if you need to, sit down and have a little cry.
If you look peaky enough, someone may give up their seat for you on the tube. Fan yourself and rub your temples if the bloke next to you needs extra encouragement. Sit down, go through your phone’s photos, and try and piece together exactly what happened last night. Don’t check your bank statement just yet – crying on the tube makes people nervous.
Stop by Pret for a juice, and something as greasy as your conscience can bear. This is crucial.
At least one colleague will say “Looks like someone had a good night last night!” Ignore them, and plot ways accidentally break their favourite mug and make it look like an accident.
Go to the kitchen to “make a cup of tea”. Don’t return into you’ve drank 2 pints of water and taken some painkillers. Tell colleagues that the kettle was playing up again.
Open a spreadsheet – this will be your cover-up for the rest of the day. Frown slightly, select a few cells, tut, mutter “this will take a while”, and put your headphones in. Colleagues will understand that you’re deep in thought and should not be disturbed.
Take your headphones out, stretch out your fingers, and announce great pride in your morning work. Suggest to your team that perhaps you should all go out for lunch. Pretend that you didn’t hear suggestions of the “new juice bar down the road” and loudly volunteer yourself to book a table for everyone at Nandos.
Take advantage of the post lunch lull to have a browse on ASOS. Do not buy anything until you have checked your bank statement. Only check your bank statement when you’re certain that you won’t vomit.
This is when you’ll be crashing. Strong black coffee will help: whenever you see a co-worker reach for their mug, swoop in and offer to make it for them. You’ll be in everyone’s good books, you can hide in the kitchen from responsibilities, and you’ll be able to fuel yourself with caffeine. Triple win.
Reward yourself for getting through the day by picking up Dairy Milk on the way home. Chain yourself to the sofa, eat entire bar, and add “no tequila on Tuesdays” to your growing list of New Year resolutions.